Ephesians 6:4 "Grace Centered Parenting"

Introduction:

We learned last week from Ephesians 6:1-3 that Children have an obligation to obey their parents in the Lord. This is right because it is God’s design and there is a promise of God’s blessing connected to it.

The family is the oldest institution that was established by God back in Genesis 2. Government and the Church came after. Parental authority, government authority and ecclesiastical authority all derive the basis of their authority ultimately from God.

Families, Governments and even Churches become dysfunctional in their purpose and design when they forget or disregard the absolute authority of God and the responsibility we have to live in accordance with the revealed will of God.

For the family to be functional it must recover biblical headship and men not only need to step up to be not only godly husbands but godly Fathers as well. Fathers are commissioned by God in the home to see to it that they raise their children in the Lord.

This is by no means an easy task and it will take your time and demand your focused attention. There are no short cuts to this and it is far from just making demands for a pragmatic compliance. As a matter of fact that could lead to disaster because you may succeed in one way but fail miserably in another.

That is why the Apostle Paul in his instruction to Fathers issues a prohibition at the beginning of verse 4. Look back at your text:

I. The Prohibition (4a).

Paul only mentions Fathers here because he understands the Father as having the primary authority and responsibility in parenting his children in the context of the family.

As we saw last Sunday that both parents have a stewardship before God. But the Father has the primary responsibility to see that it is carried out according to God’s design.

So the question needs to be asked, How then could a Father provoke his children to anger?

Well one way would be to use excessive punishment when exercising discipline over a child.

And I am not only referring to spanking a child but also to other forms of punishment.

It would be excessive when the punishment causes bitterness in the heart of the child instead of bringing about correction in their life.

A Father may have the idea the more severe the punishment the more effective it is in correcting a child’s behavior.

Some years ago I was talking with a pastor friend of mine about parenting.

We actually were talking about Tedd Tripp’s book Shepherding a Child’s Heart.

He told me that he had always parented from the perspective of controlling his child's behavior in public. He said that he never wanted his children to embarrass him. And he told me that they were scarred of him.

He said that Tripp helped him understand that being a Father was not so much about exercising control over your children as much as it was shepherding a child in the ways of the Lord.

Fathers this is critical for us to realize. Because the heart of a child drives the actions of a child.

And if we always are focused on their actions alone, we will condition their external actions but their hearts will likely remain untouched.

We will teach them to act a certain way in our presence but when we are no longer around their heart will lead them to do what their heart desires.

Proverbs 22:15 “15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.”

The “rod of discipline” does not denote the idea that the bigger the stick the more effective it is in driving away folly.

We have been so conditioned to think of a “rod” here as a tool for inflicting a measure of pain only as a negative reinforcement.

But the rod here is in keeping with a shepherds staff and it was used as a tool of correction and change in behavior of sheep as a shepherd was exercising oversight. The Hebrew term could legitimately be translated “staff” in the place of “rod”. Most often when a staff was being used to inflict pain by a shepherd it was used to fight off predators.

Certainly any hitting of the sheep would have been of a different nature. It would have been for constructive and instructive purposes in the end.

Fathers the goal is not a correction of the external actions of a child but correction of the internal motives of the heart before God.

Father remember that God is the final Arbiter in regards to the accountability of a child’s heart and the actions that are driven by that heart.

Fathers this is critical to remember. Because we wouldn’t want to promote the idea to our children that we are parenting to force compliance ultimately to our will instead of to the will of God as His steward. This teaches our children that one day when they grow up they too can be self-serving.

They can set their own rules and parent however they want. They can be the supreme arbiter over what is right in their own eyes.

When God is the supreme Arbiter, parenting is exercised and modeled as the design of God when it is done in such a way that is reflective of His word in keeping with the plan of His covenant redemption.

Parenting is a stewardship because parents are commissioned by God to be reflective of God’s rule over His own children.

How does God do it? He does it from the standpoint of exalting the Lord Jesus Christ as supreme in the revelation of the gospel. That is what He prescribes for Fathers to teach their children. Look at the second half of verse 4:

II. The Prescription (4b).

Bring them up in the discipline of the Lord.

Discipline here is referring to learning through correction. Children in their uninformed state may do something that comes natural to them. They may reach out to touch something hot but they may have no understanding of what hot is. Sometimes even in spite of parental instruction their curiosity can get the best of them and in their quest for experiential knowledge they touch the hot thing anyway.

In such a context there is not only a quest for knowledge to settle their curiosity but they are being defiant of their parent’s discipline. Children learn early. When your child reaches for something that you don’t want them to have and you tell them “no” and they stop and look at you and then keep reaching for it they are being defiant of parental authority. Or when you discover they have done something that they shouldn’t have done and they hide from you they know they are being defiant of parental authority.

Father’s I believe that it is important early on to help our children see their own nature and how their actions can be influenced by that nature. Of course the primary issue should always be how such actions are defiant not just of a parent’s authority as a steward but ultimately God’s authority as their Creator and Lord.

When Proverbs 22:6 says, “6 Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Understand that it is not talking about beginning the training at 6 years old but years before that. There were elements of mild and soft corrective discipline along with affirming love and affection that I was utilizing not long after my children’s first birthday. That is when I noticed their defiance to authority coming out.

Some believe they are just so cute when they do this. They are cute, but the defiance is not cute and without discipline that defiance will one day be grown up defiance. If you let your child go one day they will have to learn obedience from another institution of God’s authority structure. Like the institution of government through the exercise of the local police department.

My own mother has told me many times how I would hold my breath as a small child in defiance to the point of turning blue. She wondered if I was having a seizure. She told the old country doctor about it. He prescribed splashing cold water in my face when I did it. My mom took his advice and just like that I was healed of my seizures.

But the prescription here in Ephesians 6:4 is two fold. Fathers are also to bring them up in the instruction of the Lord. This idea of instruction is denoting a Father giving counsel to his child. This goes hand in hand with discipline. Discipline is confronting the negative behavior while instruction is informing the child about what is right and good. But notice this instruction is “of the Lord.”

Fathers it can’t be your personal philosophy of life with the self as the supreme arbiter of truth. You have an obligation before God to exercise parental authority and you carry it out as a steward before God. If you parent like you are supreme a child will eventually challenge your instruction. The instruction that you are to give is of the Lord. Fathers have to be theologians. They have to read the word, they need to set under Biblical preaching, they need to be challenged and instructed in how they live and in how they parent.

If you are not informed biblically then how are you going to instruct your children in the things of the Lord. You will, by default regress back to what makes sense to you in light of trial and error, or just do it the way your Father did. Not that bad if your Father followed the ways of the Lord but it didn’t originate with your Father. Your Father got it from the Lord but your Father still made mistakes.

All Fathers do, but how do you know what was a mistake without the unmistakable truth of the word of the Lord. Where will men of God learn to be biblical Fathers? Will we look to Disney? Or will we tune into Oprah or Doctor Phil? Or will we read and embrace Dr. Benjamin Spock’s views on parenting? Spock was a pediatrician and a left-wing political activist. He authored the famous book Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care.

You may find some practical help in that book but Spock has nothing to say about how to help the child to come to terms with the sin of their own hearts. John Locke was dead wrong when he argued that children are born with a blank slate.

Fathers in all of our discipline and instruction that we carry out as God’s parental stewards, it can never be primarily about us. Consistency in making this clear will help build a lasting and trusting relationship between you and your child. You will be seen as one who has modeled the pursuit of obedience before the Lord as you parented. And over the years you will be a respected influence in the lives of your children even long after you are dead.

Conclusion:

You can’t parent in a Grace centered way without the gospel being held up as the over-arching truth over the family. Two reasons, One is you will never parent perfectly. And second your child will never obey you perfectly. Law demands that perfection for compliance. But the gospel has Christ bearing our sin upon Himself and in doing so He is the means by which we fulfill the law but also He is the means of God’s grace to us in forgiveness.

Our sin is dealt with and God establishes and maintains our relationship with Him by His grace. That not only binds us to God in Christ but it binds us in the Covenant Family of God in the home and in the Church.

God has a way of disciplining and instructing us while at the same time surrounding us in the assurance and security of his grace. Fathers that is why the Gospel of Christ has to be the over-arching truth over our families. We should want more than any other thing that our homes be reflective of His glory.

Maybe Father you haven’t been good at living this out in your home. Maybe in humility before the Lord you may want to confess your failure and maybe even explain to your family where it is that God is challenging you to change.

When Christ is Supreme in the home grace is abundant. Forgiveness and restoration is a by-product and so are new beginnings. And Christian it is true in the Church as well. God’s grace flows like a river when Christ is exalted as Supreme. Confess and receive from Him.

Unbeliever you need to be in God’s family. And the only way you can is through faith alone in Christ. God is the only perfect Father and He holds out Christ to you as Supreme. Trust in Christ and in His finished work on the Cross for your salvation. Let’s Pray!